Thirdstorywindow

The Canadian Mental Health Association’s national congress in Ottawa, for fall of 2009, hosted the short form of “Crazy” plus a workshop this past weekend. The connection in the room was strong in spite of the late hour plus a long day for the delegates.

 

The most interesting and noteworthy moment, which led to some new insight for me, happened during the workshop.  One of the delegates came up to me after I had assigned them the task of creating a gestural response to the performance; she said something like, “Can you tell me why we are doing this?  I am really tired and also confused about these exercises; I just don’t get it.”  This prompted me to provide a bit of theory to the participants.  I told them that the exercises were a way to shift into a different gear, to respond in a less logical, mental fashion that we are so used to, and to be in our kinesthetic and creative selves, that this is part of the paradigm shifting I am doing in my own work and that the exercises are a way to bring the conversation into a new place.  What I did not say, and only realized later when I was thinking about it, was that this paradigm shift has to do with the Buddhist principle of nonattachment, witnessing and presence and how those elements can actually facilitate healing and connecting.  As westerners, we are so used to confronting problems with mental energy-thinking about them, analzying them, judging them and assuming that these processes will lead us to solutions.  But so often this fails.  Healing, growing and other natural processes have their own rhythm and are often best left attended to but not directed. When I was teaching Liz Lerman’s critical response process, one of the most challenging things for the students was coming up with simple observations about the art in question that were free from judgment.  Most of how we are trained to respond is about opinions and critique.  What I know of my own “recovery” is that mere presence and trust in the inherent healing power of the human self can be far more powerful than any particular method or therapy that is focused on making me better (which often, ironically, has the opposite effect).  So, the “Crazy” workshop exercises offer the same opportunity-to practice being with these very loaded and often painful questions, to simply be with our individual and collective experiences in a deeper way without having to move into solution mode.  I believe that this type of presence, when cultivated, can actually make a real difference in social as well as individual problems.

TSW partnered with two organizations for this series of presentations called “Something on my Mind.”  Agence Ometz coordinated and Friends of Mental Health on the West Island offered the collaboration of a counselor, whom I happened to have already worked with on another theatre project, a wonderfully intelligent and creative art therapist named Lucy Lu. I invited Lucy to write some of her reflections and here is what she said:

“Emanuel Christian has been my favourite school so far - they were the only school that made so many references to images from the piece, (I would love a copy of that sticky note “mad”-with finger and explosion”. Which makes me think that they absorbed it in a metaphorical level that will stay with them and work on their psyche…giving them a message of “I’m not alone”, “I can get through this” and “There is way to feel good and not be so overwhelmed by my feelings”

It was also intriguing how quickly the students opened up to us to let us know their reality - discrimination, how bullying manifests under the radar of school policy of ‘no tolerance’, the feeling that their parents and other adults do not understand them. I wondered if we were also in that category or if the very fact that we probed about their concerns and we represented something subversive, that they saw us as ‘other’- adults they could trust. What was really inspiring about this group was their desire to find ways to not only end bullying, but their desire to have real consequences and not empty punishments (like getting a suspension or what they called a ‘day off’). What I heard was their desire to find skills to stand up for themselves, but also for some kind of resolution of the conflict, so that the person who bullied realizes the impact of their actions - that they hurt people with their words and actions.

The students talked openly about being bullied, their struggles with feeling good about themselves, the difficulty of finding friends they could trust, while at the same time not burden them with their problems. I can’t help but reflect on my own adolescence and recall all the turmoil and also the beauty of the struggle to find my own voice….as well as helping others to find their own. I’m excited to visit with them again to see if we can address some of the concerns they brought up and put them into action.”

I had the great honor of having my paper about “Crazy” be selected by the MICA Community Arts convening this year.  What that meant was funding to travel to Monterey, California in late April to rub shoulders and dialogue with some of the most interesting community arts practitioners in the US, plus publication of the paper on the Community Arts Network website (coming this summer!)  I will write more about my experience at the conference once I am caught up writing about my last several presentations.

While out west, I was able to book a performance in a nearby community.  The Fremont Unitarian Universalist Congregation invited me to perform for a fundraiser for their mental health programming, and it was a wonderful evening.  I presented the short form version of the show, first time ever, and it was quite well received.  Then the audience of about 30 had the chance to ask questions and make comments about what they had seen.  Question:  was the project art therapy?  Answer: yes and no-empowering, satisfying, providing me with a deep sense of purpose and service.  But did it take away my periodic periods of anxiety and depression?  Not at all.  What is the definition of “therapy?”  Question: what did I think about some of the latest public service announcements designed to reduce stigma?  Answer: not sure, so I bounced it back to them.  One man relayed a very positive impression he had about a billboard depicting two young people sitting and talking in a field.  The caption read: “My friend has mental illness.”  Most people in the audience voiced approval about the ad, saying how they felt it promoted simple acceptance.  I continue to feel suspicious and doubtful about the usefulness of framing these experiences in definitive, scientific, medical and pathologizing terms.

The discussion picked up when we moved into the workshop.  The first exercise was the spectrogram.  We discussed nutrition and interestingly there were a wide variety of responses.  Some people had noticed no changes in their mental states tied to certain foods or drinks; others of us had experienced strong differences (one man talked about how eating carbs and sugars created anxiety and another woman about the enormous impact caffeine had on her).  There was also a great conversation about those of us who are highly sensitive to stimulation and I think that created some shifts in perceptions of those reactions.  The medication conversation was super too-lots of diversity in people’s experiences and it felt good to have the space to hold it all without anybody having to be wrong.  At one point, I read the statement, “medication is the best way to address depression,” a man pointed out that all but one of the men were standing on the “agree” side of the room.  When I asked why, he said, “we’re men, we want to fix it right now.” What a gift to bring gender into the conversation, pointing once again to the subjectivity of the experience and the perceptions of what steps are best to take for healing.

The writing exercise was interesting as well.  One woman did not like the use of “crazy,” having felt its sting throughout her whole life.  It made me wonder about the structure of the exercise since one of the points was to try to diffuse the charge that word holds.  Another woman said, after the exercise was finished, “I hadn’t realized how judgmental I’ve been toward myself.”

At the end we stood in a circle and offered closing comments.  One man acknowledged the openness in the room that evening and how touched he was by that.  Another woman said to the group, “you lightened my load tonight.”

Really great article in Newsweek, would love to hear from people about it:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/195694

We have been collaborating with Friends of Mental Health in putting together a series of workshops for young high school students and this morning was our first time out.  Had a great experience with a group of 23 8th grade girls.  First I told them a bit about the project and how it came out of my experience; then I performed three excerpts from the show (the easel monologue, the psychiatrist with the list of symptoms monologue, and the suicide attempt monologue).  I felt a strong sense of connection with them as a group throughout the performance-they laughed at the humorous parts and I felt I had their full attention the whole time. Then my colleague and I invited them to put their thoughts, random words that came to mind or questions on stickies and them put them up on the front wall.  We read all the stickies out loud to give voice to the reactions.  Then we opened the floor for a conversation.

They were very interested in what happened to me when I was their age-the bullying, did I have friends or adults to talk to, what were the bullies saying and many other questions.  They asked what helped with my depression and anxiety (I talked about reading research that helped me stop thinking there was something wrong with me, talking with friends who accepted me, learning how I reacted sensitively to my environment and making better choices around not being over stimulated, how food effects me, etc) and if I had anybody to talk to in my family when I was young.

The teacher asked me what they can do if they see a student or child is suffering,  I immediately turned it back to the youth-if I was their age and they noticed I was having a hard time, what could they do to help? Interesting ideas-asking me what was wrong but not continuing to barrage with questions.  Spending time with me and sharing things about them (adults often forget that young people want and need this-being vulnerable is a risk adults need to take to create a close relationship with youth).  Pointing out specific things they noticed about how my behavior has changed to let me know they notice and are concerned.  To approach me with caring rather than judgment.

Interestingly they denied that bullying was happening.  One girl said their class is really close and nobody is mean to anybody else.  The teacher and guidance counselor said afterwards that this isn’t true-that there is a lot of denial about bullying and it is very underground, in part because the community is so close.  I wonder about the shame factor in a more religious community as well.

The guidance counselor said that some after school clubs had been introduced and that these are places where some of the kids who are different can be, even once a week, and feel accepted.  There did not appear to be any acting or theater programs and I wondered about the value of that.  She did say there had been some small peer groups during different years.  I wondered out loud about the importance of having older adults in the youths lives-mentor figures who are not their parents or teachers, who they have a different kind of relationship with.  I wonder if that is something that could happen with every young person, not just the ones considered “at risk.”

This was just an hour and it made me think about what might be possible with a longer period of time, perhaps a curriculum of 6 one hour sessions…or a different structure that is institutionalized, giving each student a consistent place for support and expression.  Have a few new resources I want to put on the list, “Odd Girl Out,” which talks about aggression in girls and its incredible impact on girls mental health and general social wellbeing, and  something called Challenge Day-a program for high schools to uncover and address bullying, racism, class, gender, all the hidden but pervasive dynamics that result in so much harm for so many young people.

Today made me excited to work with young people again!

I’ve had so many requests for bookings that I have been doing admin work every day this week with no time to write until now.

A woman from an audience in Vermont wrote me this morning with a link to a blog discussion about madness as a metaphor-very interesting, check it out:

http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2009/03/26/the-metaphors-we-use/#comment-357992

A bit more about the videoteleconferencing show.  Performing without the audience present was a huge challenge for me.  My practice is so relationally based that it felt more like a rehearsal, without the energetic exchange.  I’ve received some not so positive feedback which I will post later and wonder if that is part of the reason why.  As soon as the local audience came into the room where we were for the q&a, things immediately felt better-like I had actual physical presences to connect to.

Some interesting questions:  why did I pick the structure of relationships with therapists to frame the show?  Response:  wanting to reclaim my history by playing with frameworks and empower myself by being in charge of those stories.  Now I’m not so sure.  It’s so central to the narrative and yet I am actually not quite sure of its meaning or my intention.  Good food for thought.

Question: what do we do when we are trying to help somebody but they aren’t interested/don’t see they have a problem?  Answer: very difficult-I thought speaking from our own experience of their situation and how it is affecting us is the best we can do, rather than giving advice, pressuring, cajoling, etc.  Would love to hear about this from readers.

Question:  the play seemed to advocate the view that once you have been diagnosed, you forever HAVE that illness.  Is that true?  Answer:  I had no intention of communicating that and found it fascinating that somebody took that away.  I actually truly hadn’t thought about it at all.  Towards the end of the play there is what I feel a dramatic paradigm shift that takes place (represented by crying in the tub and then blowing the pieces of paper rather than sweeping them up) that in my mind anyway was very hopeful.  I have not stopped getting anxious or depressed-but how I deal with those experiences has definitely changed with my own healing process.  I don’t hate those aspects of myself anymore and don’t view them as “illnesses.”  For me, I am certainly no longer my diagnosis.

Question:  How are you doing now?  I answered this but in retrospect feel I did not answer this as I would have liked.  In essence, I talked about how “well” I was doing, which is only one aspect of the truth.  Stigma once again reared its ugly head and I realized, after the fact, that I wanted to look good for the audience (acceptable), thus presenting a too one-dimensional picture.  What I should have said was that I AM indeed in a good period (work, marriage, friends, etc) BUT that I continue to meet my depressed and anxious aspects regularly, even if they no longer prevent me from meeting my life goals.  Most people who know me would not know this since the issues don’t interfere with commitments.  But in addressing stigma, I think it’s important to be up front about the fact that just because I feel “well,” it doesn’t mean I don’t get anxious or depressed. I think this subtlety is hard for people to grok.  Comments?

Had a few very wonderful conversations with a few live audience members during the generously prepared reception after the event.  Several people shared stories about their struggles or struggles of relatives and I was quite moved.

March 23, 2009

We had a wonderful experience tonight-which I’m currently too tired to write about.  But I had to make sure to get my resource lists re-posted after the site’s crash a few weeks ago. So I am attaching them here.  One is for Montreal, the other is a list of books and articles I’ve drawn upon in doing my work.  Folks who tuned it, please feel free to leave comments, questions or musings.  Here are a few questions that interest me-what images stayed with you from the play?  What stories did the play elicit from your own life?  What questions did the play leave you wondering about? We love to continue the dialogue! mtlmentalhealthsvcs.doc booksandarticles.doc

Feb 23, 2009-We traveled to Toronto this past weekend to perform for a Canadian Mental Health Association of Ontario director’s meeting.  It was a fabulous experience.  In attendance were board presidents from offices all around the province as well as directors, all of whom, working in the mental health field, were well versed with the issues.

Some of the post-show questions that stayed with me:  What were some of [my] answers (meaning, what has worked for me)?  For this, I replied that play and creative expression are big pieces of my wellness regime; talking about my experience of depression and anxiety and not being isolated with it (tho I also talked about the fact that stigma is a real barrier with real and often unfortunate consequences, like with immigration); Exercise is hugely important to my well being, in particular to helping me sleep (I know that insomnia is a big factor in my anxiety cycles).  I did not talk about nutrition but can here-definitely decreasing my sugar intake helps my anxiety tremendously.  When I drink coffee or alcohol, it’s often a recipe for mood swings and high anxiety.  I’m feeling some slight changes as I experiment also with eating less processed flour and more whole grains-both changes seem to help me feel more grounded and less prone to feeling anxious, edgy, irritable or depressed.  Will write more as I continue working with diet.

Other questions: Is my list of things I’ve tried (this woman picked up on the fact that the list on the easel was the same as my list of health practices) similar to others’ lists?  Have I experienced stigma in the course of doing the show/project?  Were there any pivotal moments in my life that turned things around dramatically (this woman came up to me afterwards and explained that she was dealing with a family member who was suffering but did not recognize that she had a problem-and wondered if I could help give her any insight)?  There was a fair amount of conversation about doing the show for young people, perhaps older teenagers, and the consensus was that they would relate to the piece strongly.

Something interesting that happened while we were there got me thinking about class and depression/anxiety.  During lunch, I approached the buffet and overheard a male waiter berating a female waiter.  I heard him call her stupid and tell her to shut up in a very aggressive tone.  At first I thought maybe they were joking around since it was so awful.  But I realized it wasn’t.  I tried to look at his nametag but didn’t manage.  I went back to my table and told my hosts what was happening.  They immediately got up to talk with the manager.  But I realized after they came back that they thought he had been rude to ME (which I wouldn’t have cared much about since in that situation I would have been in the more powerful role and easily could have handled it).  I was much more worried about the female waiter and was quite upset that she was getting verbally abused on the job.  It made me think about class and responsibility and how oftentimes (especially in bleak economic times) there is little choice about leaving a job where abuse is happening-and how the lack of choices can really result in a condition of depression and anxiety.

One thing I’m struggling with is how to encourage conversation about the larger social issues that are contributing factors, issues like class and socio-economic injustice, breakdown of community (resulting in isolation), nutrition (I want to get my hands on articles about the schools who changed their food service providers to healthier food and how that changed behavior and grades, or any relevant research), trauma, microwaves and cell waves and their impact on the nervous system, the current environmental crisis, violence and war…all of these factors that seem, to me, obvious contributors to anxiety and depression but are seldom brought into the conversation.  It’s much easier to look at suffering as an individual illness and even the most well intentioned professionals seem to have trouble breaking out of that paradigm.

My question is how can I frame the discussion to bring these issues up?  I thought perhaps I could raise some of those questions directly to the audience next time, especially when they are in the mental health field.

Another thought I have been tossing around relates to a conversation I had with a close friend last week.  My friend is a former nun who is from Australia and was in a convent in Lebanon, so she has a particularly interesting cultural perspective.  She was talking about how she was questioning what she saw as “selfishness” in many people she was meeting in North America and how it doesn’t seem healthy.  At first I was hung up on the word “selfishness” and was disagreeing with her-but as the conversation progressed, I realized that what in fact she was talking about was control.  Essentially, I think she was saying that when people control their surroundings too much, it leaves them incapable of coping when something comes along that they cannot control.  North American culture is all about control-control over nature, control over the body, control over the emotions.  Starhawk talks about different types of power and refers to the western type as “power over;” this is where, I think, we have really dug our own grave.

Because ultimately, we don’t have control.  It seems like the more control we have, the more we need-because we’re less and less used to dealing with things as they happen.  So we get more anxious because I think, inside, we understand that life fundamentally a mystery.  We understand that we’re going to die and that we have no idea what that will be like.  We become more and more terrified.  We become more and more frantic to control more and more aspects of our lives as the reality of our powerlessness closes in on us.  I’m certain this is a huge element of anxiety today.  I suppose it’s a spiritual issue, ultimately…regardless of what you believe.  Probably people who have an established spiritual practice are less likely to be affected since they are already in touch with their lack of control.

I would be very interested in hearing from people about this issue.

Our former server disappeared last week so we were suddenly offline for about 8 days-for those of you following along, we apologize.  But it’s nice to start over, as sad as I am to have lost the old postings.  Because there are so many engagements and at the moment no administrative person, these things will take more time-but I promise to repost the resource list and slowly rebuild what I had.

In the meantime I’m excited to be presenting at the Beers Foundation international mental health conference tomorrow in Toronto.  The topic is moving mental health and wellness promotion into the mainstream; I’m thrilled to be able to provide recommendations from the point of view of an interdisciplinary arts practitioner.  The conference organizers asked presenters to provide concrete recommendations to give to the Mental Health Commission so I’ll also post those when I return.